Marlboro Man - I'm not that fragile.

Sometimes you show up at exactly the right time. Sometimes your timing is just right and you're right where you need to be in someone's life without even trying. We can always learn from each other.

     It is with my greatest hope that most of my blogs, shorts, and stories make their way into your funny bones. I love to laugh and make you smile. Me being the serious one is rare but this has been on my mind recently as I am healing from many years that I refused to acknowledge the pain, or obstacles that I was having by hiding behind my "strengths " which loosely translates to me thinking that no one should ever see me cry or hear me complain and often left me feeling inadequate; In other words, feeling like I wasn't enough.
     Marlboro Man once told me that "baring your soul to someone, is one of the best naked feelings in the world." He's right. Having someone to speak openly to, to just say what's on your mind, without repercussion, without rejection, unconditionally, just listening, is one of the most freeing feelings. 
     If you don't have someone that will do that for you, I definitely recommend using your insurance or forking over fifty bucks for an hour to unload on a professional counselor of some sort. NOTE: while bartenders and blackjack dealers are professionals they are NOT counselors...just saying.
    It's often easy to hide the things that we assume and feel no other person will accept about us or we may even think that they will look at us in a way that is shameful to us; perhaps they will think that we are being weak. Your brain plays over and over in your subconscious "Suck it up buttercup, be a man, don't be such a girl, or toughen up." That can lead to overwhelming silence, creating resentment, or keep us from allowing ourselves to be close and intimate with people that we love and cherish. 
     We continually recite things that are designed to somehow make us stronger and in certain situations, they are exactly what we need, in others, they are a poor representation of half-hearted attempts at where we should be drawing our strength from....each other. 
     We are bombarded each day on social media by bullying, mudslinging, even blatant name-calling. Don't get me wrong I see the good memes too. But the ones that catch my attention are the ones that are souls crying out to be heard, anger, anxiousness, feelings of no control, resulting in a flurry of painful prose but not resolving what we are really saying " I love you. I need you. I want you to stay, or even I'm sorry." How and why can we covertly scream this out on social media but not in the privacy of our homes, with the ones we care the most about?

It was closer to 3 am then it was to sunrise, I was tired but I couldn't sleep. I was bundled in my bedroll (sleeping bag for the city slickers ), I had one eye open and I'd been watching Marlboro Man toss the coals in the fire with a long stick and intermittently shake his head while mumbling quietly to himself. I was doing a terrible job of pretending I was sleeping because I had held my eyes shut so tightly. He glanced my way, but I was sure he hadn't noticed that I was awake; then he quietly came over and got really close to me. I could feel his warm breath on the side of my face and he whispered in his low smokey voice "You're supposed to be sleeping Cupcake." 
     The smell of the cigarette smoke had lingered on his breath and was caught in the stubble that was growing into a beard at present. He offered his hand to me, I took it and he helped me to my feet " I know, " I answered, "not sure why I can't sleep." 
   "Are you hurting or feeling bad about that tumble you took earlier?"  I was remounting my horse just after lunch and I lost my footing.  
   " I'm nursing a pride hangover," I said. We both laughed.
I had slipped out of the stirrup and hit my knee on a pretty big rock. I was a little sore but my pride had taken a bigger cut than the bruise that would form on my knee over the next few days. Wade, Jesse, and Marlboro Man watched me fall, they were already mounted. It was only a matter of seconds but it seemed like a scene in a movie where everything goes into slow motion, that prolonged my pride agony. Jesse was off his horse faster than a calf roper at a rodeo. By the time he had gotten to me, I was already back on my horse.

  I shared the boulder next to Marlboro Man. He had motioned for me to sit next to him and there was plenty of room. He held my hand, looked me in the eye, and smiled. "I love these little getaways with the boys. We been doing this for a very long time. It was just the four of us before. Then just the boys by themselves for a while, cuz they couldn't get me out of the house after Livvy passed." His voice trailed off towards the end of his sentence. I smiled at him and we both turned our gazes to the nearly extinguished fire. Marlboro Man got up, grabbed a log, and set in the coals. He took a pack of cigarettes from his jean jacket pocket, hiked a single smoke from the pack up to his lips, clenched his teeth around it and tucked the pack back safely into the pocket.
    "Those boys," he pointed to Wade and Jesse sound asleep on the other side of the fire "are the reason I'm not that fragile anymore." I listened while he continued to talk." I know you can understand this Cupcake. Think you been through something like this yourself, where the kids can't know how much it hurts." It was more of a statement, but I nodded anyway. "An old tough cowboy like me, ain't supposed to let anyone see him cry either. We ain't allowed to be fragile, most men aren't and we got feelings too" He paused for a minute then continued "The pain that you feel when you lose your life or what you know as your world is nothing short of dying, being reborn, and learning what you have to do all over again." The campfire flames made his blue eyes shimmer in their light. He nodded towards the two men across the fire
"Those boys were my reason to go through that kind of pain, to get my rear end out of bed every morning. I wanted desperately to drink and drown in the bottom of the bottle if I could. Her memory reminded me that I needed to be right and stay straight because of them. When I was feeling real bad they'd ask if they could help or would just simply leave me alone. You know Cupcake, when it don't seem like there's a reason, that's a damn low point, especially for a man. I can't speak for a woman" He smiled at me " but I suspect it's kinda the same." I nodded.
"The depression part feels so damn empty like you're starving and your body hurts all over, I just wanted her back. Then I wanted to shoot everything and everyone in sight." 
    We looked at each other and said "anger" at the same time. 
    "I'm not so sure I have achieved the 'acceptance' part after all these years. Other than I know she's not gonna walk through the door anymore. I need to think she's with me in spirit, you know?
I went to a lot of sessions of me unloading my heart, so I could stay right for those boys; not drinking and shooting the place up every time I was pissed off.
The sun was rising over the ridge, Wade and Jesse were stirring, he leaned in and said "I'm not that fragile anymore. But now I know it's ok if I have to be."


If you know me or have known me for any amount of time, my first language is music (English is second lol). I often place songs within the blog, but I chose not to this time for a few reasons; The words in the blog are important to me and the distraction is not worth it. However, the two songs that I picked for this piece are two contrasting songs to me. One is communicating and asking the person to stay...The other, it seems to me, wants the other person to silently guess that there is something wrong and to fix it before they leave after the honeymoon period has failed. Both beautiful songs but communication is truly the only way.  

The Relationship Ninja Volume 9 - Folding Fitted Sheets

I know it seems like forever since you've read words from my head and heart to the page; for that I do apologize. I've been uninspired and lethargic on the writing front.

If this were any kind of screen play at all...and it isn't, the next line would be "Stefan enters the room and takes her breath away." Not far from the real truth, he does steal my breath and often my function to put words together and form coherent sentences, (Wayne calls it 'proximity overload') as well as inspire and remind me "You're a writer" even on the days when I feel undeserving of the title.

This is dedicated to you, Stefan, for reminding me that 'I am a writer,' a choreographer of words, a Descriptionaire, a lover of stories, their origins, and their impacts on people's lives. You've inspired me, Stefan...for that, I am truly grateful.


     Not so long ago, on a 'puttering Sunday,' I stopped to visit Nina. I was too late for cooking as it had all been handled on Saturday or earlier that morning. However, I did find her nearly buried in a big stack of laundry. It was mainly towels and sheets; I jumped in to help. Within a short time we had completely conquered the towels and flat sheets. During that time, I hadn't realized that she was reading me like she often does, I had simply been absorbed in the folding of the laundry, transported magically into Laundry Land when Nina's words broke my trance. "You haven't touched the fitted sheets."
    "I'm not so great at folding them." I told her 
    "And you don't try?" I never thought about it. I suppose I just assumed that she would do the fitted sheets since they belonged to her, but she had me on the spot.
    "Sure, I'll try." I said. I took one and watched her gracefully tuck both corners together, allowing her shoulder to be a resting place for one rounded corner, the other came together and rested gracefully on top of the rounded corner. It seemed like the sheets were dancing with her.
    "No one likes folding the fitted sheets." she said "They are hard to put together, they are harder to keep together. Like all of the disposables these days, it's easier to wad them up and throw them on a shelf or in the corner." I thought of how I had seen some of the fitted sheets that other people either tried to or tried not to fold. "Why are you down?" she asked 
    "I'm not" I lied and still have no idea why. She stopped folding, put her hands on her hips, and glared at me over her glasses. I immediately took the hint and began telling her about how I  was thinking that everything was going well with the guy that I liked and was dating for the past six months and then suddenly he stopped talking to me, disappeared, and said nothing further. 
    "Don't beat yourself up over it, Kiddo. I doubt it's anything you did wrong. Everyone has their own reasons for why they do or don't do something; Why they stay or don't stay. Not everyone knows how to communicate effectively, especially if it means hurting someone, or not being accepted for their choices. There's too many variables to sit around and try to figure it out." It was a pill I was going to have to swallow whether I wanted to or not.
     She smiled at me, then moved her hands to the disaster that I was making with the fitted sheet. She placed her hands over mine and guided my other hand to the fitted part on my shoulder. She moved my hands through the process of folding that sheet. "See," she said "sometimes all it takes is a little guidance to get where you want to be." 
     Although I was smiling at what she said, a sadness overwhelmed me and I felt a salty tear roll from my eye. Nina wiped it away, placed her hands on both of my shoulders and turned me to face her. " You are amazing!" She told me" I don't want to be disposable." I heard myself saying "You're not" she assured.

The Relationship Ninja Volume 8 - Peach Cobbler and Scars

For those of us who find the daily hurdles of hurt challenging to get over.

Forgiveness is for you, not the other person, even though the other person is the one you are forgiving, it is really freeing you from the shackles...I hope that makes sense?

      
    Nina called me and told me that I simply had to come over. She didn't sound as if she thought anything was wrong, but I could tell by her face the minute that she opened the door, she knew.
     I was done being the emotional punching bag, done being the scape goat, done putting the FUN in dysFUNctional; stick a fork in me... done.
    "Come in, come in. " she said stepping away from the door and motioning me in with her arm extended. " I got the coffee on," she continued. " I've been thinking about you all day, you know?" I didn't know, but I nodded just the same.
       I followed her into the dining room. I could smell the coffee brewing. Nina stopped at the head of the table where there was a big white covered box. She thumped it with the palm of her right hand. "Peaches," she said. " I'm gonna do some preserves and pies, but today I thought we would make Peach Cobbler."
      After coffee, she led me back to that big white box on the dining room table. This time I was carrying a big metal colander. She lifted the top from the box and began carefully putting peaches in the colander. I noticed that some of the peaches had deep dark scars on them. Nina was  squeezing each peach before she placed it in my care.
"These have a lot of scars, but they are not bruised. Scars happen during the growing process, like if the peach is touching a branch. It doesn't affect the fruit in the long run. The peach will outgrow the scar, and continue to grow. Time heals all wounds, you know. The bruising happens when people are careless after they have picked the fruit."
     I carried the load of peaches to the kitchen where we washed them. Nina had me touch a few of the scars on the peaches to show me that they were now calloused only on the surface. I felt like a kid on field trip when she did that; it's always fun learning what she's teaching and it's definitely never boring. 
    She cut into a big peach with her paring knife and handed me a thick slice with a scar on it. "Taste," she said. I tasted. It was sweet and juicy. She was right, the scar had not affected the taste of this peach at all. "This peach has character. You know character?" I nodded, she continued "Character is what something or someone gets once it gets past the physical and emotional scars. Things happen in life that may be beyond our control. How we react to it is either what holds us back or lets us move forward." She stopped and lifted her eyebrow to me, I nodded. She was completely quiet until then.
"Strength and fortitude come from scars, just like in this peach." She tapped a large, firm peach with a long red scar on it, then held it up and rocked it like a snow globe in her hand. "People give and get scars differently; hopefully they will still reap the benefit of strength and fortitude. Some don't and end up wallowing in woe far too long....It can steal your life from you. don't let it steal your life," she warned.
     Nina moved the sliced peaches to the side, she then set out a white cake mix and measuring cups. "Just a few ingredients go into the cobbler. It's a very simple dessert.
As simple as taking those scars from the peaches and making them into something wonderful. 
    Life can be as simple as that if you are willing to let go of the bruises and the scars each day and begin a new beautiful day."

Copyright 2015-2021- Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved

Noelle Sangster on Amazon 

Noelle Sangster on Facebook

Sangster on Business Blog

Life's Hard..Love Harder. - Part 3 - The Marlboro Man

"Live your life without regrets." 
"No pain, no gain." 
"Careful what you wish for." 
And as the Stones so eloquently put it.."You can't always get what you want." 

   Among these sayings are the variables that many of us associate with not doing something, or not achieving something. And then do we often feel guilty? Perhaps many of us do, perhaps some of us, not.
      I have recently been reading and re-learning some things that I personally need. For everyone else it could be quite different. I suppose it depends on what you want, or what you want to achieve.
     I am working on being wholehearted again. For my own personal reasons of course, and in areas that I feel are lacking in my life; maybe some of you wish for the same things? Of course as with nearly everything, there are requirements to obtain being wholehearted. 
     For those of you like me, I needed a definition...Wholehearted means sincere, complete, earnest, which in my brain translates to the state of  'loving unconditionally,' in any areas of your life. Seemingly, our selfish nature or abashed sense of self-worth sometimes can stand in the way. But buyer, no need to beware...because in this case, you can get what you wish for.

"It makes no Difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the out look, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistakes, a sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all." ~ Emmet Fox


      Just before sun up, I heard the Marlboro Man rustling with his bed roll and prepping a pot of cowboy coffee (my favorite). Jesse groaned and Wade told him to get up and to let me sleep for a few more minutes. My brain was cranking but my eyes were closed, then I realized Nick was gonna continue his story. 
      My eyes popped open and I sat upright, all three of them were staring and they all laughed out loud. Marlboro Man said
      "Come on, Girl! I said I'd get back to the story, but we got a ways to get to the lake still, so I'm gonna start here over coffee and I'll talk on the ride."
     We were on the far north side of the ranch in a base camp in the mountains. I could smell the big cats in the area. The lake was 'up the road a piece' according to the Marlboro Man or five to six miles according to the map.
      He shared a little more about his 'Beverly years' over coffee, eggs, and biscuits. Then we cleaned up, saddled up and were moving again. 

       The sun was completely up about half way to our next base camp near the lake. The plan was that we would spend the next two days catching loads of Rainbow Trout. During that just under five-mile ride, the Marlboro Man continued his story.
"About that time...near the end of the marriage, I mean. I had a big ride for a pretty big purse coming up." He gathered his words before he spoke again."I was distracted. My mind wasn't in the game. That's not a good place to be, Cupcake. Especially when you're about to step in the chute on a bull cowboy's can't stay on.
     My hand got stuck in the glove, in the rope. I couldn't get free and it seemed like forever before help got to or could get me. I'll keep it G-rated and just say that I got dragged, trampled and tore up pretty bad. Broke some stuff down here." He touched near the back of his saddle at his right lower back and ran his hands down towards his knees. "Both sides " he added. "Broke some stuff up here." He ran his hand across his collar bone.
"I'd lost a fair amount of blood by the time they got me to the hospital, so I needed some. 
     Beverly was not a match, but she was nowhere to be found anyway. My Liv though, she was there." A huge smile covered his face. 
"She was a universal donor, type O negative. When I say that she saved my life, I mean this woman SAVED my life in many ways. She saved me with her unconditional love. by giving me her blood. She saved me like that first, then she stayed with me, and saved the rest of me.
    I never felt anyone's presence like I did that or any day since. I was scared about never walking again. I could hear the doctors talking even though I couldn't move.
    Liv prayed over me for weeks. She was there during the surgeries and when they finally let me go home, she was the one who took me. She cared for me.
    Divorce papers showed up from Beverly, a few months after  I was home. I still wasn't recovered physically and if Liv hadn't been there, who knows how that would have hit me emotionally." He paused as we arrived in the clearing. 
     It was one a magnificent sight. The lake was big and blue and looked like mirrored glass against a background of mountains. They looked much closer than they actually were. We tied the horses and unpacked our gear.
"It was bout a year or more, til I could walk again. I did strength training everyday til I could manage the 'barrel bull;' That's the beginner's deal for new cowboys." He chuckled and then said
"It was closer to 'bout two years before I was back on a real bull and had some pretty big painful days, but loving, no living to ride keeps you right somehow." He pointed to his head with his right index finger and tapped his hat with it.
"My girl, my Liv, she was an encouraging gal too. She kept me pushed when I didn't wanna push cause she knew my passion. 
     I reckon it's true that God closes doors, so he can open others for you. I thought Beverly broke my heart, but now I know that I was just waiting for Liv to find it." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again, but fought them.
"When you're looking for something or someone to show up. Look around and make sure that you ain't missing something before asking 'Well God where is it? What you think you want and what he's willing to give ya, are not always the same things...It might have been there all along...Liv was. I can't imagine living my life, having missed out on HER.
     She is in every one of my stories from that day in the hospital forward. I hope all you kids have stories like that. Have fun living, that's the 'live hard' part, but love like it's going outta style."

We had trout for dinner and some to take home :)

Copyright 2015-2016 - Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved

Noelle Sangster on Amazon 

Noelle Sangster on Facebook

Sangster on Business Blog

 Life's Hard Love Harder - Part 1 Marlboro Man
     
Life's Hard Love Harder - Part 2 Marlboro Man

Keep The Blog Alive

Life's Hard...Love Harder...Part 2 - The Marlboro Man

Part 2 .....all links are always in yellow

"There is no difficulty that enough love won't conquer, no disease that enough love won't heal; No door that enough love will not open...." ~ Emmet Fox


  "She wasn't my first choice,"he paused and gathered his words. he let out a nervous laugh and admitted "Liv I mean. Sometimes men don't think right, Cupcake. " 
He looked across the fire at me and I realized that my mouth was open in silent awe at his admission. I nodded in acknowledgement, but also found my mouth to be extremely dry. An awareness of the fire heating my face and the feeling of dirt on my tongue made me instinctively reach for the water bottle that Jesse had given me. I drank nearly half of it at once, while the boys sat in silence.

    The Marlboro Man reached for the whiskey bottle, lit a cigarette, and continued his story.

"The boys weren't even born yet when I was married to Beverly. She was their Aunt Liv's best friend.

  Liv moved to the farm next door when I was in my early twenties. A few years after that, her friend Beverly was here visiting from Southern California.

  Forgive me Cupcake if I'm being brash, but Beverly was one hot chick!
  Boys tend to follow lust  most times and that's just the real truth. I myself, was at the time, a 'boy.'

   He looked at Jesse and Wade as he spoke the next words "Confidence, in this old cowboy's opinion, is the most breath-taking thing a woman can have. Beverly may have been a beauty, but she was nothing near confident.

   Now a guy may not be concerned with that at the beginning, but I'm here to tell you that for a strong willed man, there ain't a better match than a confident woman. There's some other things that need to be considered too, like beliefs, what you are underneath at the core." He thumped on his chest with an open palm over his heart, then dug in his pocket for the pack of cigarettes that he had returned there a short time ago. He nodded at Jesse to pour another shot, then addressed me. 

"You sure you don't want one? You may hear things about me that you don't like, but I assure you, I am only being honest." He smiled and tipped his hat at me again.

"I'm ready. All ears over here Nick," I said, smiling back at him. I felt like things were about to get interesting.

"Well I gotta set you straight. I see how you look at me for wisdom. THAT is something I have, but I didn't come by it magically. I came by it, by falling down, dusting myself off, getting back up and giving it hell every time I fell, rinse and repeat.

I prayed a lot. God, is with you, even when you feel like he ain't. Otherwise I guess I woulda been a lot shorter in this world than I have been. By his grace I'm still kickin'. " He looked up towards the sky when he said 'grace.'

"Liv was a pretty girl. A fun girl." His smile then stretched from ear to ear. "She was my horse riding partner, my fishing buddy. We worked side by side. She was my best friend.
When Beverly came up to visit one summer, I started courting her." He paused and asked us all "Comprende courting? Not sure that's what you kids call it anymore. And I think maybe it's a lot different. At least I suspect with all these teen mothers and all that jazz." That was one of the very few times that I have ever seen the Marlboro Man roll his eyes.
"Liv never said a word other than wishing me and Beverly the best when we tied the knot six months later. But I seen something sad in her face. She didn't come around as much anymore and after the 'honeymoon' effect wore off within about a year, I started really missing my friend, Liv." He kicked at dirt, like a child who's been scolded.

"Beverly couldn't have kids. I'm grateful for that. Even if that's not the right thing to admit. I don't wanna go long on all the bad stuff that happened with Beverly. Just know that a loyal cowboy is always a loyal cowboy, until he can't be for reasons out of his control. 

Beverly did not like rodeo. That's what I AM. She wanted to take me out of the country and into the city and she had plans for us that I didn't want, and worse could never be or live up to for her. 

Now listen, cause this is the lesson about being who you are and your spouse or lover or whatever being okay with you being you. Make sense?

The true ones will love even the things that bother them about you..." He leaned in towards the fire and loudly whispered "THAT is true unconditional love." Then sat back on the rock and lit a smoke.

He talked for another hour or so about trying to hold the marriage together and managing to do it for about ten years, when he had a terrible accident from a bull ride gone wrong.

"Doctors said I'd never walk again, or ride, that's the part that crushed my spirit." He trailed off and yawned.

"Think we outta turn in and I will finish the story during breakfast and the ride to the lake. Anyway we came up to catch fish, not flies." 

He threw his bed roll on the dirt and made himself comfortable. His hat covered his face and a muffled "Good night" came from under it.

Copyright 2015-2016 - Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved

Noelle Sangster on Amazon

The Good Witch Brews

Noelle Sangster on Facebook

Sangster on Business Blog

Life's Hard..Love Harder Part 1 - The Marlboro Man

Life's Hard Love Harder Part 3 - The Marlboro Man  

Keep The Blog Alive

Life's Hard...Love Harder Part 1 - The Marlboro Man -

2015 was a year of trials and lessons for me personally. I met some wonderful people, and learned some hard lessons from people I thought were 'friends.' The thing about life is that no matter what you do or don't do somethings will seem hard. 90% of us will make excuses for those things, the other 10% will go make things happens because they understand that 'life is hard.'

LOVE, on the other hand, is an equal playing field for those willing to experience it at it's true velocity....to which there are no boundaries.

"If only you could love enough, you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world." ~ Emmet Fox 

"Life's hard...Love harder..love is a gift, a light that each of have to share." His voice was slow and steady; his face serious and trance like. The glow from the campfire accentuated all the lines in his face. It seemed to make his blue eyes brighter. He picked up a handful of dirt and haphazardly threw it into the fire pit.
    He dragged his weathered dusty boot back and forth before stamping his foot. He was sitting on a large rock across from me and his nephews. He removed his hat and fanned the flames for a brief moment, then re-settled his hat on his head while he dug in his jacket pocket for a pack of smokes. He set them on the rock next to him. 
    He spoke again to the trance of fire  "She taught me that...Liv I mean."A tear raced down the side of his face, just one. I opened my mouth to say something and Jesse put his hand on my knee and shook his head when I looked at him.
   "All the things that you enjoy about me, all the good stuff, Cupcake, that's Liv. She's the reason I exist. I wish you could have known her. Cause I can't explain her right, not justly any how."  He was silent again. "When you look up in the sky and see the brightest shining star, that was Liv." He paused and looked at me " I sound silly, I know. I'm not the most romantic guy in the world, I suppose, but she loved me none the less.
   I been in rodeo most all my life. I been dragged, trampled, stampeded, punctured, broken, and put back together so many times, I made Humpty Dumpty look easy to all the Kings men and their horses. But none of that hurt worse then losing her...I can truly see why one spouses light wants to burn out right after the other. I wanted to, she wouldn't let me." His face was stoic, my eyes were the ones leaking now.
    I searched my pocket for tissue as I listened to the slow steady pace of his deep even voice. Wade handed me his bandanna. I wiped my face and quickly returned it to him.
" I grew up in a very different time, Cupcake." He looked through the fire at me to acknowledge me listening. I nodded.  His eyes dropped back towards his hands resting on his knees and he continued to speak 
   "It was a hard life. I was born when the stock market crashed." He stopped, chuckled, and added "Not right on the day, but you get me?" I nodded. Neither of his nephews made a sound. "Things got bad sometimes. We didn't waste nothing. There were five of us kids and we worked as soon as we could walk or talk. What's that, like three? We had a farm, so we ate. We fed most of the neighbors who grew other stuff and people passing through or lookin' for work." Marlboro Man got up and went to the wood pile, grabbed a couple of logs and threw them into the fire. The flames went briefly higher; the crackle settled down by the time he was re-seated.
    He talked for a time about how bad the economy had gotten and some things that he thought the government did that was wrong then. He stopped himself a few times from discussing his views about what the government was doing wrong now and simply said "I hope they don't make the same mistakes this time. Things repeat you know?" He didn't wait for a response. "Both good and bad things repeat." His words were slow and thoughtful. Quiet ensued. For about five minutes. me, Jesse, and Wade stared into the crackling fire. The atmosphere was us knowing that we shouldn't say a thing. We just waited until he started to speak again.
   "I was ten years old when we moved up here to California. My two oldest brothers stayed back east and kept farming there til the 80's. That's another story altogether. Mom and Dad took me and my two older sisters and settled part of this ranch. I got the rest of it years later." 
   He stopped and told Jesse to get the whiskey from the saddle bags. "Get this young lady a water too." He called after him. Marlboro Man winked and tipped his hat to me. 
   He took the pack of smokes from the rock, hiked one up to his lips, retrieved a stick from the fire, lit the cigarette with it and tossed the stick back into the fire pit. He dragged on it to get it going.
    Jesse returned with a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of water, and a large shot glass. He walked to me and handed me the water bottle. Then went back to the Marlboro Man. He poured to the top of the glass and handed it to his uncle. Marlboro Man drank it fast and handed the glass back to Jesse. Jesse refilled it and handed it back to Marlboro Man. He drank the second shot and signaled Jesse to take it away.
     Jesse moved to the side of fire near me and Wade, poured a shot for Wade, offered me one to which I declined and drank two himself before settling back in next to me.
"I'm just warming up , Cupcake. You like good stories. I reckon you'll like this one."

To be Continued....


Copyright 2015 - Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved

Noelle Sangster on Amazon

The Good Witch Brews

Noelle Sangster on Facebook

Sangster on Business Blog

Life's Hard Love Harder Part 2 - The Marlboro Man

Life's Hard Love Harder Part 3 - The Marlboro Man

Part 2 - Sabotage - The Marlboro Man

This is part 2 of what is technically a three part story. ' Cowboy of the Rings' is the third piece to this short trilogy. Although, my time with the Marlboro Man isn't as often as I would like, it's definitely quality time. I call him 'Mentor' and my ' Role Model' but I really consider him family as well as those other things. I am grateful everyday for him.

Continued from Part 1 Sabotage........(all links are always in yellow)

"Love don't mean nothing less there's something worth fighting for. It's a beautiful war" - Kings of Leon

    He talked as we walked. Marlboro Man lives on a sizable piece of property. We followed the fence line for a bit and I listened as he described areas of the ranch that I had never been to on foot before. Walking is a completely different perspective than on horseback or in a vehicle.
    He pointed to what appeared to be an old run down barn in the distance and I questioned our ability to make it there and back before the sun set down.  He said we could wait until morning if I promised it would be the first thing we would do just after breakfast. I agreed.



     Breakfast on the ranch is before sun up. In the summer it's super early, like 5 am, and it's a bit later in the fall and winter months, closer to 7 am. If you are familiar with office work...this is nothing like that. Critters need to be fed and turned out to pastures, stalls need mucked (shit shoveled), eggs gathered, and then depending on the season, Marlboro Man says "Wanna be cowboys need fixin'." In other words, he trains or re-trains them to be the best they can be. 
     It's chilly, so I grab a light jacket and follow Marlboro Man down the creaky porch steps. He has a stride on me, so I trot to catch up, we head to the horse barn. A ranch cowboy already has two horses saddled. I follow Marlboro Man and his horse down the fence line towards that old barn. We take our time. He talks, I listen.
    A short time later, we tie off the horses and I follow him into the barn, which doesn't look as run down up close, just needs a few patches and some paint.
    Marlboro Man gets the latch on the second try, because it was stuck on the first attempt. He says something under his breath and I hear the big metal latch hit the wood with a thud. He slides the door open and we walk into a large open area, to the left is a stack of straw bales, on the right are several unused galvanized watering troughs.
    " I keep my memories here." he says with a smile. He pulls a key from his pocket and unlocks the padlock on a door just past the straw bales. 
      The room looked as if it had been abandoned since sometime post Vietnam War era, but Marlboro Man assured me it was just a short time before Liv 'went home.' 
"I couldn't be out of the house anymore. she couldn't get things on her own." His face went serious and pale. I knew what he meant. Someone close to me had had the same situation. It was quite sad to reflect on.
"Any cowboy that has come through this place since the 80's is on that wall." He pointed to the wall directly in front of us. There were so many photos, it didn't look like there was any wall left.
    There were also a smattering of trophies bunched together on the dust and cob web covered oak desk to the left. There was a large glass window behind that desk that housed hundreds of trophies and blue ribbons, upon it's shelves. "Trophy room," he advised. I recognized some of those famous boys on the wall and he confirmed that I was correct, when I was correct in naming them.
    "So there's a reason, you're showing me this, yes?"
    "Of course. The Saboteurs, are not on that wall. They went home crying to their Mommas about me being unfair, or the road to get to be the best was too hard." He stopped and pointed at the wall with a fierceness that softened when turned to me. "You got that, Cupcake. I seen it in your eyes more than once. The fire, I mean. That's why I brought you here." 
     He lit a cigarette and dragged heavily on it. I found an ashtray on the dishevelled desk and moved it cautiously towards him. "Just cause someone gives you a little guff, doesn't mean you quit, and when you got something good, worth fighting for, you don't walk away from it. Follow me?" I nodded slowly. "It's none of my business really, about your boyfriends. But I shudder to think if Liv had walked away." He smiled and looked at his wedding band, then turned it slowly with his thumb on the same hand, then reached up to a chain around his neck that had two more rings, before he said
"Life's lessons don't always arrive with a bang and go out the same way. Sometimes they are subtle and quiet." 
     He snubbed out the cigarette and shook his pack for another. He popped it up out of the soft pack, effortlessly catching it between his lips, moved it between clenched teeth, then spoke.
"Don't miss love cause you're looking for the fireworks, when you got your hands on the sparklers already. You miss your best friend and you may spend the rest of your life looking for that missing link. 
     Too many kids get it wrong and they think something physical is gonna fill some weird void in their lives." He shook his head, dusted off a chair and offered it to me. He had managed a spot on that giant desk. 
"Jesse and Wade never really seen the soft side of me in the beginning, 'cept when they was really young and first come here. After Liv passed, I was an asshole, then I realized as much as I missed her, I still had them." He smiled again. "They've always done me proud." He pointed through the window at their pictures side by side on some crazy bull rides, their names etched neatly on the trophy plates. 
"Jes has a lot of heart," he reminded and nodded at the picture. Then he got up close to my face, I could smell stale and new smoke on him, and said "Spend your life in avoidance and you will wake up alone, more or longer than you want to, guaranteed."

Copyright 2015 - Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved

Noelle Sangster on Amazon

Noelle Sangster on Facebook

Sangster on Business Blog

Sabotage Part 1 - The Marlboro Man

Cowboy of the Rings

 

Part 1 Sabotage - The Marlboro Man

Self sabotage is the oldest trick in the book, according to my mentor and cowboy friend Nick, who most of you know as the Marlboro Man. Being vulnerable is NOT something I've been very good at over the years. I'm more of the 'Tough Cookie' type. Steve Miller Band has a lyric that goes "Riding high, I got tears in my eyes..you know you have to go through hell before you get to heaven." On the way the to the proverbial heaven, is the hell that for many is often caused by self sabotage.
   

    "You may not think that you sabotaged that relationship, Cupcake, but I promise if you look hard enough, you'll figure out what you did. Maybe not WHY you did, that could take a lot longer." The Marlboro Man looked at me square and commanded my eyes to meet his. Tears welled, I could feel that black cloud coming to the surface. The one that said 'He's right. You blew it up on purpose.' Part of me wanted to be that kind of happy, and part of me kept saying 'You don't deserve that kind of happy.' 
     The part of me that wanted it, was buried in that black cloud, always trying to get out of harm's way. 
     Sometimes we talk ourselves into not wanting to feel and sell ourselves into believing that's okay, even if it's not our real truth. 
    As I was absorbing Marlboro Man's silence, he turned to me and wanted to know "Do you always make a u-turn just before the curve?" 
    "What do you mean?" I asked. He chuckled and drew heavily on the cigarette gripped between his fingers on his right hand. the smoke bellowed out when he spoke again. He had turned back to the pasture. We were sitting a top the wooden fence like two kids trying to figure out the sun's lingering agenda. It was slowly turning to dusk. 
    "I mean," he emphasized the word mean "that cowboy thinks the world of you, would probably try to walk on water or across hot coals if you said he ought to. I've watched you through some short lived relationships, counting Jesse. And when it's gits a little bit serious, you high tail it in the other direction. " He used his left hand to draw circles in the air with his index finger, making a swirling motion as he talked. " I call that a u-turn, Girl." Silence followed, as he let that sink in. I had every excuse to say and no words to say them with.
"I ain't saying nothing that I don't know first hand about." He paused and bit his lip. "If Livvy was here, I suppose you'd be in the kitchen talking with her, cause she was better at stuff like this. But I know if I lay my head down without telling ya this, I'm not being a good friend. Follow me?" I nodded.
"Jesse is a kind hearted and loving cowboy." He held up his hand to stop me from saying anything and continued "He's a good man...You don't have to believe me, and I'm sure you got your reasons for calling it quits with him, so I'm not gonna nag on that. What I am gonna go after is watching you 'almost' have something and then doing that u-turn. You will never know what it's like to be truly loved if you can't let it in." He lit another cigarette and we sat in silence. I didn't know what to say and he was obviously working on choosing his words, as I had always known him to do.
"Like I said. I know sabotage when I see it. I been training cowboys  to ride bulls longer than I even remember. I ain't done much of nothing else. 
   I suppose it comes from knowing if you're really good enough. If you really got what it takes. At least for a bull rider.......but I reckon it works about the same in love." He reached out and gently touched my face with the back of his weathered hand. "You remind me of her." He said with quiet nostalgia. 'Her' being his beloved, no longer in the world wife, Olivia, whom he only referred to as 'Liv' or 'Livvy.'
I imagine that I would have been fond of her as well.
    "When we're looking for that something that fills the void, we gotta help it along, by being open to the possibility that it exists, that it's out there, that we deserve it in our lives. Make sense?" I nodded.
"Sabotage is not about being open to anything. That's more like justifying the reasons things will never work for you, whether you are even aware of it or not." He coughed into his fist, then adjusted his hat while leaving plenty of quiet for those words to sink in. "You're a lot like a custom car, Cupcake."
    "What the heck does that mean?" 
    "It's not a bad thing. But you're different than most girls. You can fend for yourself, and that can be intimidating for some boys. My point is if you have a limited audience already, don't make it worse by turning the boys away."
    "Maybe I just need a particular kind of boy." I rationalized.
    "Oh believe me, you do" He grinned at me, "you need a strong, confident boy. Maybe why you like the bull riding sort?" That last part was obviously rhetorical so I just smiled back at him.
     He hopped off the fence, then helped me down and signaled for me to follow him.

to be continued....

Copyright 2015 - Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved

Noelle Sangster on Amazon

Noelle Sangster on Facebook

Sangster on Business Blog

Part 2 Sabotage - The Marlboro Man

Cowboy of the Rings

The Relationship Ninja Volume 7 - Curing Olives is like Toxic Relationships

Sometimes when I get upset, I cook....A LOT. I recently confessed that. And the after thought was, "Maybe that's why my Xs used to intentionally piss me off all the time."  This is for Sheridan (thank you), who reminded me that some relationships are just 'toxic' no matter how you try to slice, dice or cure them...

    One of my first cooking sessions, I mean life lessons...well both from Nina was the process of curing olives. I just finished picking the remainder of the olives from the tree in my yard. I have about two pounds (not British currency) of ripe black olives that need curing. 

    It's been a while since I learned how to do it, but the one thing I never forgot was my Ninja Nina's analogy of olives, the curing process, and their relationship to toxic relationships. 

    The first part goes like this. Green olives are simply olives that are not ripe, although they, like ripe black olives are quite bitter on the inside. It takes less time to cure them. Nina says 
    "Green olives are less toxic. They are easily cured as well, simply soak them in distilled water." She went on to explain that green olives are like the beginning of toxic relationships if we are not careful, watching, or aware of what we are attracting or letting into our lives. 
    She had me take a bite of the green olive before it was cured and it was terrible. Unripened fruit is sour and dour and stays on the taste buds for more than an hour...sometimes all day. Yes, I rhymed that on purpose. 
    I felt like when someone takes a bite of something horrible and then offers it to you, so they have someone to be disgusted with; maybe that's where the phrase 'misery loves company' comes from. 

    We washed the green olives. Nina had a big wooden mallet that she hit the olives with to open them. It was a little scary watching her give those little fruits the Ninja Smack Down.  We then put them in a container covered in water and an air tight lid. They had to sit for a week before we tested them for flavor again. I was hoping I was not elected to be the 'Taster.'

"Now. when I say 'easily cured,' you understand what the cure is yes?" I shook my head. She let out a heavy sigh, and explained that 'easily cured' means the relationship is new,and although it can be delicate, there is possibly something noticeably wrong from the beginning, therefore it's easier to let go of if  you have less skin or time invested in the game." She said and winked at me. 
    At that time, I supposed she was right, even though I knew there were times in my life where I wanted things to work so badly that I just hung in or on for a while longer. As if to read my mind, she added.
    "Comfort is what happens if you stay too long. And then good or bad, you just stay." She handed me another batch of green olives to wash and prepare.
    A few hours later, we had finished all of the green olives and were onto preparing the black olives. 
"These are a little different" she said, handing me a large bowl of them "we still wash and cut them, but we will add salt before the water to make them a nice soaking brine."
    We had more black olives than green olives and Nina explained that the time difference is generally about two months in between green and black olives but she got hers from different regions, so she could do them all at once.
    During the second run of olive curing, Nina used a paring knife like me to cut the olives. 
    "What happened to your hammer?" I asked, smirking.
    "It was a mallet, not a hammer, and the black olives stain. Look at your fingers, Smarty pants." She was right about my fingers, not about my pants. Black olives stain. 
"Taste" she said handing me a black olive that she had cut open. I was reluctant. It was like being handed a turd to try. I knew it was bad, but I obliged and tasted. 
    I was right it was horrible, even a little more horrible than the green one if that was possible. It reminded me of when you burn your tongue on plastic and then everything tastes like that for a week.
"The curing of black olives takes longer" she said. She had just finished pouring salt over a batch. She stopped and looked at me over her glasses the way she often did with her scolding yet caring eyes. "These, as you know, because you tasted them, are far more horrendous than the mild green ones." I nodded my head in agreement to her nodding her head. 
     "However, now you have a problem. You stayed too long in the relationship and your empathy becomes sympathy and often resentment. The loyal ones always know what I mean here. Do you?" 
       "I do." I answered. I did, and unfortunately have since known exactly what she meant.
       "So, we salt and add water, then they will soak for a week, we will drain and rinse, and then we will remake the brine and let them soak another week. Same as a relationship that is toxic. You sit in the same stew for weeks, months, sometimes years until you finally decide that you are drained and need to be rinsed. If you get that far, you are lucky." She threw her hands up in air as if she instantly had an epiphany. 

"If not, then maybe your life looks and smells like this." She opened a container with a batch of black olives that hadn't cured, but had somehow rotted instead. They were stinky (like rotted fruit can be) and mushy. 
"They look like they've given up, yes?" I nodded, holding my nose while she stirred up the stench with a spoon before replacing the container top. " I never want to see you look like that my Dear. It's bad. Let's eat lunch!"
    

   Yes, she's never really cared if lunch is followed by dissecting  a frog or anything horrid, gruesome or disgusting. When it's time to eat. It's simply time to eat.

Copyright 2015 - 2017- Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved

Noelle Sangster on Amazon

Noelle Sangster on Facebook

Sangster on Business Blog

Relationship Ninja Vol 6 - Salmon Ceviche & Rebound Sex

Keep the Blog Alive

The Relationship Ninja Volume 6 - Salmon Ceviche and Rebound Sex

When I first went through the horrible pain of a divorce, I went to Nina cause I knew she would know what to say to me, what to feed me and best of all how to relate everything she was feeding me to what was happening my life....and she did.

     I will have been divorced for 5 years this September. None of it is ever easy, and the longer you've been married it seems like the more junk you have to work out. It is a sad situation that we sometimes find ourselves in. The good news is that time does heal things.

    Once again, I was blessed to have my ninja Nina share her wonderful and sometimes harsh advice. This time it was about 'life after divorce." 

    I was gone from Arizona for nearly 18 months and had just recently returned. We hadn't seen each other in a while, but had spoken via phone and she knew that I was coming home to Phoenix. I came back in January of 2012 and it was February before I made it to see my friend. 
    While I was gone, I was involved with someone and things were perfectly fine for a while, then it got dicey and weird. I couldn't figure out why. I knew Nina would have an answer.

     I got the feeling that I may have been interrupting her 'alone time' but she opened the door, saw me, wrapped her arms around me, nearly squeezing the breath out of me and said "Bella, you are home!"

     A brief time later, we were at the dining room table, just off the kitchen having coffee. Nina handed me a giant piece of an amazing "I can't believe anyone would ever want to stop eating this" chocolate cake. 
     It was a Saturday and we had the house to ourselves, her family was all out doing things even her husband had gone off to golf.  

    She reached across the small table and lifted my chin so that I was looking her in the eye. She held my face in her hand for a minute while she looked for something in my eyes, when she let go she immediately said "Let's Make Ceviche!" She got up and headed to the kitchen. I was confused but followed her anyway.

    "Get some things out of the fridge for me?" She half asked, half ordered. She began pulling large bowls and pots out of the cabinets.

"You know Ceviche, yes?" I shook my head. “Well, you will learn now, Bella....There's a large chunk of salmon in there, and some limes in the drawer." I brought her a half of a raw salmon and a small bag of about 8 limes. “Get me the cilantro, a couple of tomatoes, the peppers in the bottom of the fridge and a red onion." Her request was nearly automated, as she cut the salmon into chunks and put them in a large glass bowl.

"Salmon go upstream to spawn." She said I nodded. This is something that I did actually know, being from a Michigan, where many salmon go to spawn.

"Those little basturds will do anything to make this happen." I giggle and she proceeds into the real reason she is teaching me this lesson. 

    "You are the salmon. Follow me Bella?" I shook my head. At that point I was completely dumbfounded. Did she just relate my situation to a spawning little basturd of a salmon? I think she did.                   
       She continued to cut the salmon, when she finished. She took out the hand juicer, began juicing the limes, and continued to talk "Salmon swim upstream against all odds to return to the place where they were born." She paused. I had no idea that she knew so much about fish, but then she always amazes me. "You are the salmon. You want love and attention and rebound sex." Who doesn't want love and attention? It's the rebound sex, I didn't understand why she was calling it that.

    "Nina, explain 'rebound sex' to me please. I just spend 18 months in a place I didn't wanna be with someone who I thought was someone they weren't. This is all very confusing." I told her. She nodded. 

     I get it, “she answered " but there's more to the story and the cooking." She held up her finger in infamous Nina style, signifying that she had one more point to make. 

     When the limes were juiced, she set them aside and diced and chopped the Serrano, the tomatoes, and the onion into a separate bowl, she added some spices and tossed them for a minute.

"This is you before you left Phoenix." She pointed to the bowl of items that she just tossed together "A bit of a hot mess, no?" I smiled, nodded and agreed with her. She continued "Confused, hurt, and not knowing what you want besides attention and love, yes?" I nodded again. "Bella. No one wants their life to collapse. No one wants to be alone." She touched my chin again, making me look her in the eye. She was shaking her head. 

"So after they make it back to the place where they were born, the fish I mean. They will lay eggs. 

    Rebound sex has to do largely with being the object of someone's attention. That's not the person you are going to spend eternity with, especially if you are not equally yoked...ah, on the same page, I think you call it. Sex is physical, it doesn't have to be 'on the same page'. Relationships have to be on the same page or it fails." She made a signal as if cutting her throat with her finger. 

    She went back to making the Ceviche. "Now, we add the lime to the salmon, this 'cooks' the salmon. In reference to the rebound sex, this is the part when you will have had just about enough and are ready to move onto something more permanent or perhaps be single for a while." I look at her in disbelief. But I recall how I felt at the end of the short lived fun and I realize that she's right. She leaned over to me and though we were the only ones there she half whispered "Rebound sex is something that no one really talks about. But I'm telling it to you, so you can recognize where you've been, now you can move forward." 

     Thirty minutes later she served those little salmon basturds on a crunchy tostada shell and we had Ceviche for lunch.

Copyright 2015 - Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved

Noelle Sangster on Amazon

Noelle Sangster on Facebook

Sangster on Business Blog

Relationship Ninja Vol 5 - Equally Yo(l)ked

Keep the Blog Alive