"You may not think that you sabotaged that relationship, Cupcake, but I promise if you look hard enough, you'll figure out what you did. Maybe not WHY you did, that could take a lot longer." The Marlboro Man looked at me square and commanded my eyes to meet his. Tears welled, I could feel that black cloud coming to the surface. The one that said 'He's right. You blew it up on purpose.' Part of me wanted to be that kind of happy, and part of me kept saying 'You don't deserve that kind of happy.'
The part of me that wanted it, was buried in that black cloud, always trying to get out of harm's way.
Sometimes we talk ourselves into not wanting to feel and sell ourselves into believing that's okay, even if it's not our real truth.
As I was absorbing Marlboro Man's silence, he turned to me and wanted to know "Do you always make a u-turn just before the curve?"
"What do you mean?" I asked. He chuckled and drew heavily on the cigarette gripped between his fingers on his right hand. the smoke bellowed out when he spoke again. He had turned back to the pasture. We were sitting a top the wooden fence like two kids trying to figure out the sun's lingering agenda. It was slowly turning to dusk.
"I mean," he emphasized the word mean "that cowboy thinks the world of you, would probably try to walk on water or across hot coals if you said he ought to. I've watched you through some short lived relationships, counting Jesse. And when it's gits a little bit serious, you high tail it in the other direction. " He used his left hand to draw circles in the air with his index finger, making a swirling motion as he talked. " I call that a u-turn, Girl." Silence followed, as he let that sink in. I had every excuse to say and no words to say them with.
"I ain't saying nothing that I don't know first hand about." He paused and bit his lip. "If Livvy was here, I suppose you'd be in the kitchen talking with her, cause she was better at stuff like this. But I know if I lay my head down without telling ya this, I'm not being a good friend. Follow me?" I nodded.
"Jesse is a kind hearted and loving cowboy." He held up his hand to stop me from saying anything and continued "He's a good man...You don't have to believe me, and I'm sure you got your reasons for calling it quits with him, so I'm not gonna nag on that. What I am gonna go after is watching you 'almost' have something and then doing that u-turn. You will never know what it's like to be truly loved if you can't let it in." He lit another cigarette and we sat in silence. I didn't know what to say and he was obviously working on choosing his words, as I had always known him to do.
"Like I said. I know sabotage when I see it. I been training cowboys to ride bulls longer than I even remember. I ain't done much of nothing else.
I suppose it comes from knowing if you're really good enough. If you really got what it takes. At least for a bull rider.......but I reckon it works about the same in love." He reached out and gently touched my face with the back of his weathered hand. "You remind me of her." He said with quiet nostalgia. 'Her' being his beloved, no longer in the world wife, Olivia, whom he only referred to as 'Liv' or 'Livvy.'
I imagine that I would have been fond of her as well.
"When we're looking for that something that fills the void, we gotta help it along, by being open to the possibility that it exists, that it's out there, that we deserve it in our lives. Make sense?" I nodded.
"Sabotage is not about being open to anything. That's more like justifying the reasons things will never work for you, whether you are even aware of it or not." He coughed into his fist, then adjusted his hat while leaving plenty of quiet for those words to sink in. "You're a lot like a custom car, Cupcake."
"What the heck does that mean?"
"It's not a bad thing. But you're different than most girls. You can fend for yourself, and that can be intimidating for some boys. My point is if you have a limited audience already, don't make it worse by turning the boys away."
"Maybe I just need a particular kind of boy." I rationalized.
"Oh believe me, you do" He grinned at me, "you need a strong, confident boy. Maybe why you like the bull riding sort?" That last part was obviously rhetorical so I just smiled back at him.
He hopped off the fence, then helped me down and signaled for me to follow him.
to be continued....
Copyright 2015 - Noelle Sangster/Sangster Entertainment LLC - All rights reserved
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Cowboy of the Rings
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